Completely bewildered

I am at a complete loss for words. Yesterday, Alissa and I went over to her dad's house for our usual collection of her child support money.

We ended up spending a bit of time there with him and Alissa was so curious about him. She was follwing him around the house, asking him all sorts of questions and wondering about this and that, asking him 1000 questions about his house and his dog and his fish, it was so cute. It was so apparent that she loves him so much, just because he's her dad.

And he didn't even show an ounce of affection back. It was the strangest thing. It was like he was interacting with his friend's kid, not his own flesh and blood. I know I've said this before, but I just don't get how your own child can look at you and say, "I love you," and you don't melt at the words. I guess when you have no heart, it's easy. I guess. Or maybe that's what I keep trying to tell myself.

Okay, so I'm freaking out

There is one thing that I have learned about myself this past few months. I do NOT handle stress well. Okay, so maybe I knew that already. But seriously. Shortened breath, sweating, prone to completely unnecessary panic. These are all things that I experience when I am stressed.

My show opens on Friday. I can't believe it already opens Friday! That is absolutely insane. Granted, I didn't get all the time in the world to prepare, but I feel like I am not ready. Well, the fact that I know I'm supposed to leave Flagstaff for Denver at no later than 7 am on Thursday to be on time Friday afternoon to hang all my pieces and I know that my new phone* delivers to my house in Flagstaff on Thursday afternoon. Murphy.

I also have a ton of stuff still to do before the art show that I'm organizing takes place on the 14th. The good news, I did such a good job in coordinating massive marketing efforts that there seems to be a fair amount of buzz about the show. The bad news, everyone wants to help spread the word, so my phone is ringing off the hook for information. I only hope we order enough food & wine. It's a good problem to have, right?

And, since I have been supporting my photography habit (which really should be the move back to Denver fund) with money that I have earned working for what can only be deemed as the world's most effed up company (I won't name names, but if you live in Illinois or Missouri and contribute to a 403(b) plan and don't know the company I work for, and all four phone numbers to reach us by heart, then you are living under a rock), I've been a little stressed lately.

But basically, I'm not ready for the next week. At all. Ugh.

*so the other day, I went to use my phone, only to discover that it was ridiculously hot and starting to smoke. I don't know what caused it, but the battery overheated, thus, beginning to melt the inside of my phone. Replacement phone does not arrive, of course, until Thursday because I live in the damn boonies (okay, so Flagstaff is the third or fourth largest city in the state, but to me, it feels like the sticks), and because I need to leave on Thursday. It's a conspiracy, I tell you, and not having my trusty sidekick, well, BlackBerry really, by my side 24/7 (literally, I do sleep with the thing under my pillow) for the past 48 hours has been complete and utter torture. I so need to go back to 1996 when I was begging my mom for a pager because waiting for my friends to call me was simply inconceivable (I didn't get one).

A time for change

It's funny how when life is moving in a positive direction, looking back on the path traveled, it's interesting to see how far you've come. All of the positive change in my life recently has caused me to stop and reflect on how I got here, and think about where I'm going.

My ex-boyfriend is struggling with a few major life changes right now - first, accepting that I've moved on and won't be coming back, and a new job he doesn't know he likes. I talked to him briefly this morning as he expressed his anxiety over the changes, and all I could say was that I was available to listen, even though I could not empathize. You see, I love change. I always have.

It's probably because change doesn't bother me much. I actually kinda like it. I guess I like to take risks and try new things or something like that, but stagnancy has never been appealing to me.

I actually realized last night that my love for change is actually one of the reasons our relationship didn't work. Nor did my marriage. Nor did my relationship with Kevin or Alissa's dad. I guess with all my love for change, another change I should make is finding a guy who likes change! Anyway.

But change is good. It gives me perspective. And makes me feel good.

Finally, getting on board with the branding thing.

Even though I have been working as a professional photographer for about five years, I haven't pursued it as a main source of income until this year. With that shift in mindset, I realized that there were a number of things I hadn't done to make my business "official." The biggest one being my brand. What is "Eunice Brownlee Photography" all about, and what makes me special?

I have been working with a high school friend, Cara Elizabeth, on this project for quite a few months, and I am just about the most indecisive person on the planet. I vacillated on color schemes, logo design, ideas. You name it, I waffled. On some level, I'm surprised she hasn't kicked me to the curb just yet.

But in a moment I least expected, I was at the fabric store on Saturday, picking up supplies for my daughter's Halloween costume, when I was struck by a stroke of inspiration. At long last, I have finally made a decision on my branding that I like. And plan to stick with. For now.

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare for takeoff

Well folks, I am really working hard towards my dreams. It has meant doing a lot of things I am not too thrilled about, and it has also meant convincing other people that their dreams are not my dreams.

It's all starting to pay off. I couldn't be more excited for how things are going with my photography business right now. Things are looking up. And that is good.